angelbug0114

So sometimes I think maybe I should have less awesome sex so that my roommates don't hear anything seeing how I worry it may possibly be annoying them.

The problem is, in the moment, that is really the last thing I am thinking about, and it's not like we are making noise or being loud on purpose...

Hm...oh well.

So, I was totally drugged up on Valium when I wrote my last post...heh. I was looking back over at my release records and they had given me a dose right before I left.

Anyways, I am feeling a little bit better now. Apparently I had an allergic reaction which made me not be able to breathe and in reaction to my body stopping working I freaked out and had a really bad panic attack on top of it. I pretty much passed out and Nassim apparently kept hitting my back trying to get me to breathe more than every 5 seconds.

WORST POSSIBLE TIME TO BE SICK. But I went to the Division of Student Life at school today and met with the person who deals with our student health plans and started the paperwork to make sure my school insurance covers the visit and the department also sent an e-mail out to my professors to excuse me not being in class on Thursday...

Just got home from the emergency room, that shit made me woosy and tired. Doc's orders are to stay home from school today...but maybe if I take a nap I'll still be up in time, I can't miss four classes and i have shit to turn in!

But yeah, things def were scary last night...I kind of don't even know where to go from here. I feel paralyzed almost with everything that is going on.

I am already SWAMPED with work for my classes and feel slightly behind. There is just SO much reading and writing to do!

anyways, I have a presentation to give in my Methods of Policy Analysis class on Tuesday about poverty rates and I have no idea how I am going to get everything prepared in time for that, and move out of the house this weekend. Not only do I have that presentation, but I have assignments due in other classes the same day. GAH!

My whole life has already become school and just trying to keep my head above water, I am not exactly sure how a job would fit into my life right now...but I am broke, so I don't have that many options. I was able to snag an interview with a charter school this Monday about an after school position where I would be overseeing middle school students working on the yearbook and helping with it as well as mentoring and homework stuff...it's close to Mills and pays decent enough and the hours wouldn't kill me as it is only a few hours a day. It should help supplement the meager loans I have for this semester, but I am quickly learning to step up my game and be on top of time management skills. It is exciting and at the same time so scary to be pushed and challenged like this academically for the first time in a long time, but what keeps me sane is, I actually LOVE all of the stuff I am learning, no more GEN ED requirements, I am taking classes that I choose that all relate to my speciality, even if it is dense, or long readings, I persevere because I actually am interested in the material, yayyy!

I have been sick for what feels like forever, and right when I think I am on the mend, I seem to wake up feeling lousier than before. Perhaps I am pushing myself too hard...but I have so much to do, the monotonous tasks of daily life, on top of searching for a job, on top of getting ready to move everything back to the apartment on top of school keeps me seriously busy. PLEASE GOD LET ME FEEL BETTER.

LOVING the first day of classes.

Perks of a private college I have discovered thus far = free printing with no cap, and the most comfy chairs ever.

my last class had 15 students in it. and my professors are incredible, i am so stoked about the course work!

Things are crazy in my life right now, but Mills gives me so much hope =)

What a week...what a month for that matter...

happy new year and happy fucking birthday to me?

someone please save me from my loneliness and boredom =(

just pulled up photo booth for the first time in a long time on my computer. ended up watching all the old public and private lizz and jess show episodes.

still fucking hilarious.

It's like I'm slowly being suffocated and having the life choked out of me.

It's not supposed to be like this...why is life so hard...

I turn 21 in a month.

So many changes. When did I get to be an adult?

Mom was whisked away from me at the airport last night. It was a tearful ride home. I miss my family and am sad I won't see them for the holidays.

I thought everything was going to finally be set. A routine. How wrong I seem to be.

Going into Christmas, the new year, and my 21st birthday with absolutely no certainty of anything, except knowing that I'm loved by my family no matter what direction I choose to go with my life, and that I have dear friends and a love who isn't going anywhere.

So even if everything else goes to shambles and is uncertain and shaky, thats all I need right?

wow.

life is so precious. i hate being reminded of that by the death of younger people in my life.

things are good =)

got everything in and set up with the help of Nassim of course. he keeps calling me "Pimp Mama" since I have two places and everything covered from here until I'm done with school or quit, he is very happy for me and has been a true sweetheart through all the changes and ups and downs. i'm so lucky to have him...

oh! also, let me tell you, it is not as easy to parallel park with a Land Rover as it was with my little chevy cavalier!! but I am getting the hang of it, and I am definitely going to have to take this thing out for a road trip or camping or something. woot woot.

thats all for now, about to run to whole foods to get food for the fam, its my night to cook and it's gonna be scrumptious!

So I was going to leave the whole thing alone and just not go. But, now...I'm going to have to make an appearance at this party. That's what happens when you go and stir shit up little miss TFW. Especially when Wallace invited me and still wants me to go! Lol.

I think I'm going to go as a new vampire, as in freshly bitten by a vampire...heh. I also think I'm going to bring Nassim's school sweater just in case I get a little cold. Nassim is in total agreement that she took it a little far by bringing up stuff to Wallace about if I should go to the party or not, so he's been very helpful with ideas.

We'll see what happens...

for some reason, spending this friday night in with thai food and Dexter feels like an awesome idea.

mmm. thai food.

mmm. dexter.

it's been a busy past few days...

today I relaxed and spent the afternoon with Nassim, which was really nice...except the whole me losing his car key at the beach thing...it caused us quite a panic since we had left literally everything in the car. Luckily we found it, but maybe next time I should not stash it in between my boobs =P It kind of killed the mood, which sucked because I was feeling especially frisky today...lol

I am excited about being able to quit blockbuster within the next two weeks! And I've already notified the family that would still need me. I played with Olive and Ginger all day on Sunday at Adventure Playground, which was awesome and I think I enjoyed that place wayyy more than a 20 year old should. By the end of the day the girls were sad to see me go, so I guess I made a good impression. (It was probably baking brownies and rice krispy treats with orange sprinkles for halloween earlier at the house with them that did the trick).

Things with school couldn't really be going any better than the A's I currently have, and starting at Mills next semester will be pretty exciting and if everything goes according to plan I'll be done with Bacholers in Public Policy in two years and then Master of Public Policy a year later with their accelerated program. So many changes have my head spinning.

Nassim has helped me talk out my thoughts and options and reassured me on my plans of action. It's so scary to actually see myself taking steps forward again, I feel like life has kind of been on pause the past year. But finally everything is in motion again, it's a great feeling, but also a little nerve racking. I'm so glad to have him to talk to about all the changes. It's weird...today in the car he introduced me to this new artist Diane Birch, and I couldn't believe how he pegged me, how he downloaded the album only because he heard one song and automatically knew I'd love her. It's weird how I can get into his car at the beginning of our day and he actually...sees me. He sees me. He reads me so well, and understands who I am, and sees all my brokenness and still...sticks around. And the full force of that hit me while we were in his car today. I wish I had the courage to speak the words...I don't know why it's so hard for me to say "I love you." But it is. I feel like that labels us as something on a much deeper level, that it leaves me vulnerable and exposed if I speak them into exsistence it makes everything more true and serious, it means I've let myself get extremely close. And I have no idea what he'd say or how he'd respond if I did say it, and that makes it even more scary. The moment is coming soon though, I can tell. Every day he only shows me more and more how great he is and how much I care about him...

Anyways, mom coming out for her birthday in December will be awesome! It will be a great surprise =) Nassim is helping me plan each day's agenda since he knows the area and way more about where to take her than I would, lol, it's kinda funny, mom is typically the kickass planner of the family with great adventure ideas, but since she can't do it this time around I have someone just as eager to help with the task.

Other than working this weekend, lounging around with Nassim all weekend and meeting the girls, I've only really been watching DEXTER! Which I am still extremely addicted to. I finished the first two seasons already and will soon be starting the third, hehe!

I wonder if a big plush monkey will help...


...I just got one just in case it does.

Off to political theory and then coffee if I hear back and he's not to tired from his exam.

I just had to share what they sent me!

http://www.monstermashup.com/48c346

check it out!

it was sooo nice to see Esther and grab ice cream and catch up this weekend, she is doing well, which i am happy to hear. and seeing the house yesterday morning totally sealed the deal. like, how can i seriously turn down my own suv 24/7 a credit card for any food or gas, a paid for phone and gym membership, a nice kitchen, a nice beautiful room, and 800 dollars a month to spend on...whatever, to take two adorable girls to school, pick them up, help them with homework and cook dinner for them a few days a week, (joint custody).

anyways. so that is coming together and will probably firm up by the end of the month.

another day, another A. thats right baby.

I am trying not to think too much about Wednesday night with Nassim...otherwise I'd probably have a melt down thinking and stressing about "what if" or "if only" or "but what about" and I can't do that to myself for the next 48 hours, so I've been trying to cool it, luckily work and school keep me busy, and in my down time I started the first season of that twisted show Dexter. I watched the first episode and told myself it was too fucked up to keep watching...but I did. so yeah, that and sorting and deciding what will go with me to my new home in three weeks is the "plan of action for distraction"...i totally just came up with that.

I can only hope and see what happens. But I'm really hoping nothing gets snuffed. ugh, makes me sick just thinking about it. Ugh...

okay, too much thinking, time for dexter, night world.

"We just want y'all to have a good time
No More Drama in your life
Work real hard to make a dime
If you got beef, your problem, not mine
Leave all that bullshit outside
We're gonna celebrate all night"

I'm ecstatic! A's on all my exams, getting offered the most amazing nanny job ever that I'll probably take (perks include: a credit card for all my gas and food, an suv that is all mine for the next year, even when I'm not working which will make it easier to visit Esther, and a hefty stipend for spending money every month, wooot!!), and Nassim really is the fucking sweetest, greatest guy I know. Like seriously. He's handled everything so well, and isn't perturbed by Patrick e-mailing me this week and me getting irrationally insecure about Deida.

But the icing on the cake, what tops it all off, I am free of drama. I can come home and not worry about a damned thing. I feel so elated, like I might lift off the ground and fly into the sky any moment.

Go me!

what a crazy couple of days.

Nassim helped me move out the shitty old dresser that was left here so our landlord doesn't freak out, (really folks, what would I do without him?) and ever since the drive home, bam, things have been slightly insane.

turns out deida had texted him that day to ask him something and get together to talk. which i then acted like a 20 year old started feeling insecure, even though Esther assures me I have nothing to feel insecure about. we got into an argument over it, with both of us stressed and tired with the past week of chaos in both our lives and neither of us handled ourselves very well.

so i came upstairs to study around 3 am and think about "us" and ended not getting any sleep since I had to be up for work at 7. on my way to work I get into a fender bender (luckily there was no damage so no one got called) then went straight from working with Estella to Blockbuster, where I proceeded to crack my phone (also luckily, everything still works) and had to leave early because I started feeling really sick and everyone said my lips were turning blue and I looked like a ghost. So I went home, took a nap, and woke up and tried to study but couldn't focus because of the conversation from the previous night with Nassim. So I start working on an e-mail to him about everything, when low and behold, I get an e-mail from Patrick. I know, what the fuck right? Like after 10 months of silence he thinks he can just waltz back into my life? We have a brief e-mail exchange where it has been left in my hands if I want to meet him for coffee or not. How ironic, the very next day after an argument about my insecurity of some girl trying to weasel her way back in Nassim's life, I get an e-mail from my ex-fiance. hrm. did i just get served? lol, i think so.

Soon there after, I vomited up the soup I had for dinner, and fell asleep early.

Now? finish studying for my soc exam in the morning, and get some rest, I still feel sick =(

I don't have the time to deal with boy drama. Maybe on thursday.