angelbug0114

wow.

life is so precious. i hate being reminded of that by the death of younger people in my life.

things are good =)

got everything in and set up with the help of Nassim of course. he keeps calling me "Pimp Mama" since I have two places and everything covered from here until I'm done with school or quit, he is very happy for me and has been a true sweetheart through all the changes and ups and downs. i'm so lucky to have him...

oh! also, let me tell you, it is not as easy to parallel park with a Land Rover as it was with my little chevy cavalier!! but I am getting the hang of it, and I am definitely going to have to take this thing out for a road trip or camping or something. woot woot.

thats all for now, about to run to whole foods to get food for the fam, its my night to cook and it's gonna be scrumptious!

So I was going to leave the whole thing alone and just not go. But, now...I'm going to have to make an appearance at this party. That's what happens when you go and stir shit up little miss TFW. Especially when Wallace invited me and still wants me to go! Lol.

I think I'm going to go as a new vampire, as in freshly bitten by a vampire...heh. I also think I'm going to bring Nassim's school sweater just in case I get a little cold. Nassim is in total agreement that she took it a little far by bringing up stuff to Wallace about if I should go to the party or not, so he's been very helpful with ideas.

We'll see what happens...

for some reason, spending this friday night in with thai food and Dexter feels like an awesome idea.

mmm. thai food.

mmm. dexter.

it's been a busy past few days...

today I relaxed and spent the afternoon with Nassim, which was really nice...except the whole me losing his car key at the beach thing...it caused us quite a panic since we had left literally everything in the car. Luckily we found it, but maybe next time I should not stash it in between my boobs =P It kind of killed the mood, which sucked because I was feeling especially frisky today...lol

I am excited about being able to quit blockbuster within the next two weeks! And I've already notified the family that would still need me. I played with Olive and Ginger all day on Sunday at Adventure Playground, which was awesome and I think I enjoyed that place wayyy more than a 20 year old should. By the end of the day the girls were sad to see me go, so I guess I made a good impression. (It was probably baking brownies and rice krispy treats with orange sprinkles for halloween earlier at the house with them that did the trick).

Things with school couldn't really be going any better than the A's I currently have, and starting at Mills next semester will be pretty exciting and if everything goes according to plan I'll be done with Bacholers in Public Policy in two years and then Master of Public Policy a year later with their accelerated program. So many changes have my head spinning.

Nassim has helped me talk out my thoughts and options and reassured me on my plans of action. It's so scary to actually see myself taking steps forward again, I feel like life has kind of been on pause the past year. But finally everything is in motion again, it's a great feeling, but also a little nerve racking. I'm so glad to have him to talk to about all the changes. It's weird...today in the car he introduced me to this new artist Diane Birch, and I couldn't believe how he pegged me, how he downloaded the album only because he heard one song and automatically knew I'd love her. It's weird how I can get into his car at the beginning of our day and he actually...sees me. He sees me. He reads me so well, and understands who I am, and sees all my brokenness and still...sticks around. And the full force of that hit me while we were in his car today. I wish I had the courage to speak the words...I don't know why it's so hard for me to say "I love you." But it is. I feel like that labels us as something on a much deeper level, that it leaves me vulnerable and exposed if I speak them into exsistence it makes everything more true and serious, it means I've let myself get extremely close. And I have no idea what he'd say or how he'd respond if I did say it, and that makes it even more scary. The moment is coming soon though, I can tell. Every day he only shows me more and more how great he is and how much I care about him...

Anyways, mom coming out for her birthday in December will be awesome! It will be a great surprise =) Nassim is helping me plan each day's agenda since he knows the area and way more about where to take her than I would, lol, it's kinda funny, mom is typically the kickass planner of the family with great adventure ideas, but since she can't do it this time around I have someone just as eager to help with the task.

Other than working this weekend, lounging around with Nassim all weekend and meeting the girls, I've only really been watching DEXTER! Which I am still extremely addicted to. I finished the first two seasons already and will soon be starting the third, hehe!

I wonder if a big plush monkey will help...


...I just got one just in case it does.

Off to political theory and then coffee if I hear back and he's not to tired from his exam.

I just had to share what they sent me!

http://www.monstermashup.com/48c346

check it out!

it was sooo nice to see Esther and grab ice cream and catch up this weekend, she is doing well, which i am happy to hear. and seeing the house yesterday morning totally sealed the deal. like, how can i seriously turn down my own suv 24/7 a credit card for any food or gas, a paid for phone and gym membership, a nice kitchen, a nice beautiful room, and 800 dollars a month to spend on...whatever, to take two adorable girls to school, pick them up, help them with homework and cook dinner for them a few days a week, (joint custody).

anyways. so that is coming together and will probably firm up by the end of the month.

another day, another A. thats right baby.

I am trying not to think too much about Wednesday night with Nassim...otherwise I'd probably have a melt down thinking and stressing about "what if" or "if only" or "but what about" and I can't do that to myself for the next 48 hours, so I've been trying to cool it, luckily work and school keep me busy, and in my down time I started the first season of that twisted show Dexter. I watched the first episode and told myself it was too fucked up to keep watching...but I did. so yeah, that and sorting and deciding what will go with me to my new home in three weeks is the "plan of action for distraction"...i totally just came up with that.

I can only hope and see what happens. But I'm really hoping nothing gets snuffed. ugh, makes me sick just thinking about it. Ugh...

okay, too much thinking, time for dexter, night world.

"We just want y'all to have a good time
No More Drama in your life
Work real hard to make a dime
If you got beef, your problem, not mine
Leave all that bullshit outside
We're gonna celebrate all night"

I'm ecstatic! A's on all my exams, getting offered the most amazing nanny job ever that I'll probably take (perks include: a credit card for all my gas and food, an suv that is all mine for the next year, even when I'm not working which will make it easier to visit Esther, and a hefty stipend for spending money every month, wooot!!), and Nassim really is the fucking sweetest, greatest guy I know. Like seriously. He's handled everything so well, and isn't perturbed by Patrick e-mailing me this week and me getting irrationally insecure about Deida.

But the icing on the cake, what tops it all off, I am free of drama. I can come home and not worry about a damned thing. I feel so elated, like I might lift off the ground and fly into the sky any moment.

Go me!

what a crazy couple of days.

Nassim helped me move out the shitty old dresser that was left here so our landlord doesn't freak out, (really folks, what would I do without him?) and ever since the drive home, bam, things have been slightly insane.

turns out deida had texted him that day to ask him something and get together to talk. which i then acted like a 20 year old started feeling insecure, even though Esther assures me I have nothing to feel insecure about. we got into an argument over it, with both of us stressed and tired with the past week of chaos in both our lives and neither of us handled ourselves very well.

so i came upstairs to study around 3 am and think about "us" and ended not getting any sleep since I had to be up for work at 7. on my way to work I get into a fender bender (luckily there was no damage so no one got called) then went straight from working with Estella to Blockbuster, where I proceeded to crack my phone (also luckily, everything still works) and had to leave early because I started feeling really sick and everyone said my lips were turning blue and I looked like a ghost. So I went home, took a nap, and woke up and tried to study but couldn't focus because of the conversation from the previous night with Nassim. So I start working on an e-mail to him about everything, when low and behold, I get an e-mail from Patrick. I know, what the fuck right? Like after 10 months of silence he thinks he can just waltz back into my life? We have a brief e-mail exchange where it has been left in my hands if I want to meet him for coffee or not. How ironic, the very next day after an argument about my insecurity of some girl trying to weasel her way back in Nassim's life, I get an e-mail from my ex-fiance. hrm. did i just get served? lol, i think so.

Soon there after, I vomited up the soup I had for dinner, and fell asleep early.

Now? finish studying for my soc exam in the morning, and get some rest, I still feel sick =(

I don't have the time to deal with boy drama. Maybe on thursday.

- that I'm able to eat as much junk food as I wanted this week, and I am lucky enough to be able to keep the figure I do

- that I got a free snickerdoodle cookie today at the store

- chamomile tea

- reading the new postsecret book, amazing as usual, I almost cried multiple times. but I have yet to shed a tear all day. and considering my day, that is pretty incredible. (it will probably all come bursting out later)

- meeting/making new friends, who knew two guys behind the coffee counter at Borders are both from FL and really rad dudes?

- I am lucky enough to be able to work with some of the cutest, sweetest kids ever for a living. (hopefully my future charges will be as adorable)

- I came up with an amazing gift idea that I need to work on to add to my basket of cheap Christmas goodies for Nassim

- that I have Nassim in my life, and that he has the desire to climb out of bed from his cozy pajamas and getting some sleep to instead come sweep me away from it all and take me to our high rock out in nature and look over the beautifully lit bay in the freezing cold of the late night and help me realize that life is bigger than all of the bullshit.

- my dad called me for the first time today since I have left from my FL visit this summer to just talk and catch up and recommend some new good tunes

So, a Friday night that involves a room lit just by the glow of candles, the sound of rain pouring outside, good music, and the prince calling me to come over with the sole purpose of the night to please me, makes for a very well spent Friday night in =)

Oh and also, the apartment looks amazing, after all the stuff in the hall goes to the dump, there will be no traces that this apartment was ever as messy as it was. I spent the entire afternoon cleaning and then showed the apartment in the evening before I made myself a home cooked dinner, Nassim was in shock when he saw the place.

Today is work and then studying and tomorrow is more studying and then beach. What a great productive weekend this is turning out to be, yay!

Also, have I mentioned I am love love loving this weather. Because I am. Hopefully it will clear up by tomorrow afternoon, but if not, sitting in Java Beach with a warm cup a joe and a good book (or maybe some poly sci homework) watching the rain on the beach would suit me just fine too.

Santa Cruz cabin/beach trip was exactly what I needed.

Just the distance from drama and home made me breathe easier. I could feel the sun melt my stress and woes away both last night as I drove watching the sun set behind the mountains and today at the beach.

A trip full of guitar sing alongs, smores, girl talk, water balloons, laughter, beach, crepes and general tomfoolery in some beautiful place away from Berkeley has done exactly the trick. I feel so rejuvenated! And have definitely made some new awesome friends in the process =)

Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone, and that everyone has their struggles and we're in this together. My excitement and hope about this semester and upcoming year is renewed, I am in some great classes, on my way to a great career oriented job (working with kids), have some great friends, and am in a relationship with a great guy! so why get bogged down with bullshit when I am healthy and surrounded by people who love me, those two things alone make me such a lucky person!

I'm not going to get sucked down anymore, it's time to remember my promise to myself, that my sanity matters, and I matter, and being there for myself is an essential part in being there for other people.

Yay! Happiness! Smiles! Rainbows! Beaches! Unicorns! All good things!

how is it already September?

like...August seemed to have disappeared much more quickly than normal. Maybe I just had a lot going on in the past month, because even the past week alone has been fraught with rough stuff.

Anyways,

I talked to Esther on the phone this weekend for like an hour, it was soooo nice to catch up with her, I really miss that girl and wish I could afford a surprise visit to her or something.

I am actually getting things in order with financial aid rather rapidly this semester, and have been able to stay ahead of the game, or at least not behind, with classes this semester, which is good.

I am flat broke and looking for another income to pay the bills so I don't end up out on my ass, I am meeting with people for advice and resources and also have an interview for a temp nanny job set up tomorrow (fingers crossed)

I am finding myself spending more and more down time in my room either working on homework, pleasure reading, or watching movies. I think I am needing a break from people, I think I have been feeling vastly disappointed with humanity lately.

Today I returned the two useless books I got from the library that I picked up a few weeks ago 5 minutes before they closed and spent more time to find more pleasure reading as I will probably finish Running With Scissors soon. Erica seems to think I went a little overboard with getting 6 books on Algeria, lol, but I disagree. He knows so much about American culture and history, and it intrigues me to know more about where he came from. One is a novel, one about fundamentalist Islam in Algeria, three about Algerian history and the 50's french/algerian war, and one book that came out two years ago exploring the war that Nassim was actually involved with. (i am extra excited about that one, heh.)


So yeah, working at Blockbuster and living directly next to the public library keeps me occupied for the times when I seem to crawl up into my shell...

When will things finally start working out? Because life is killing me right now. Is it too much to ask to want things a little more stable???

Anyway, off to my Psych class.

later world.

fuck my life.

i feel so gross.

i feel so ugly.

i feel like i am going to suffocate.

i feel like i am going to lose my mind.

i feel so angry.

i feel there is no hope.

i feel like men can't be trusted.

i feel like i am replaying that conversation in middle school all over again. and i hate it.

i want to cry but can't.

i want to leave but can't.

i want to be held, but can't.

i want justice. but there is no such thing.

do i have to change my personality to keep this sort of thing from happening? is being hopeful and joyful and compassionate and mediator and people pleaser going to doom me to these situations forever? do i just look THAT helpless? do i really give off the "sure, fuck with me, i won't do a damned thing about it" vibe?

i feel so gross.

i feel so ugly.

i feel so angry. i feel like trust is child's play.

to do a fowl act is a horrible thing, to then lie and manipulate instead of fessing up is even more appalling. because trying to make it into something else is even more damning to me you asshole.

no go with the nanny job.

on the hunt again.

Needles and pins,
Needles and pins,
Sew me a sail
To catch me the wind.

Sew me a sail
Strong as the gale,
Carpenter, bring out your
Hammers and nails.

Hammers and nails,
Hammers and nails,
Build me a boat
To go chasing the whales.

Chasing the whales,
Sailing the blue,
Find me a captain
And sign me a crew.

Captain and crew,
Captain and crew,
Take me, oh take me
To anywhere new.


- Shel Silverstein

while cleaning out my room I found a ticket stub to Head Automatica for August 20, 2006 in Orlando at the House of Blues. Christian and I went to that concert, and got crazy drunk and had a great time, we grabbed fast food, (I think Micky D's) on the way there and drove with the music blaring and windows down getting pumped for the show. The show was awesome, but I think we got into some sort of fight in the car on the way home, because I remember getting out of the car and walking off, feeling sooo pissed! lol. Hrm. Funny I have no clue what we were arguing about that night. But I know we got home and made up and lounged around all the next day, watching Myth Busters and eating healthy snacks.

Weird how vivid that memory sprung on me just by looking at a ticket stub.

EDIT: I have also found Patrick's promise ring...

I have this problem where I invest way too much into people. I fall in love with everyone so quickly and want to give them the world and the stars. Not just boys I like, but my family, my friends, children I become close to, mentors, anyone that begins to mean something to me. But it leaves me feeling so empty and under appreciated. Not to be conceited, but I am a catch. And it hurts that I give everything I have to the people I love and I still feel so alone, so ignored. I am worth something. But it is hard for me to make that statement and feel that it is true whenever I look around and all evidence points to me being worth nothing.

I have accomplished nothing in my life, my work is busy work, and who knows when I will ever finish school. I can barely manage to make a living for myself and make the frayed ends of my life come together.

I just want to be held and rocked and told I am special and doing a good job and am making a difference. For someone to embrace all the love I have to give and send it back my way. I supposedly have everything going for me, all the things a guy could want. So why is it so hard for me to find someone who cares enough to stick around, to think of me each day and say they believe in me, to say they want to be part of my life, to say they want to be my companion in grand adventures and in great sadness.

The past couple of weeks I have been feeling the urge to leave. To just up and go. To who knows where. I feel like I am being suffocated, I can't breath. I can't live a meaningless life. I can't continue to empty myself for everyone.

School starts monday. I might be getting a nanny job, (hopefully). I won't leave. But I need something different. I didn't realize until this spring how much of a people pleaser I am. I can't continue to carry the burdens of the world on my shoulders, always appease, always give in...I matter too. I need to be there for me. I just don't know how to stop caring and loving and giving. It is like a disease that I can't be cured of.