angelbug0114

please be alive and well and a huge jackass.

please.

so. i am sick and tired of immature bullshit. like, i know we are all prone to it every now and again. to have our moments where we handle things childishly, i get that.

but sometimes i just want to turn the light on for people, it's like they seriously don't understand how to communicate and behave like civil, responsible, mature adults. do we have to perpetually live in highschool? i mean, really?!

can't people just be straightforward, even if it is uncomfortable. say and act in a way that is true to themselves. not try to please everyone or worry what someone else will think. it just boggles my mind that someone could continually live in that state of being.

if you are my friend, i care about you, i respect you, and i will be honest with you. i will give you the decency of a response when you ask me a question, i will give an honest opinion on something if you ask, even if it may not be something you want to hear. i will not manipulate you or make you feel crazy or inadequate. i will be there when you are in need at the best of my ability. is all of this really so fucking much to ask? i just don't understand.

if you claim to be my friend, than act like my fucking friend. don't tell me how awesome i am and happy you are that i am in your life. i'd much much rather see it. i am tired of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. hoping that there is something better deep down that will eventually show itself. i am tired of excusing shitty unfriend like behavior. if something gets fucked up, own your shit like an adult as i will mine, and we can reconcile it like adults. don't i at least deserve the respect you'd give a co-worker or a classmate.

i am sick and tired of shallow friendships. this is a two way street. i can't care enough for the both of us. you have to actually act like you give a shit about me as well.



on a brighter note. i am so happy to be home =) i didn't realize how much i really love this city and everything that comes with it. it is a breath of fresh air to be back to my own life, after a month of being enveloped in all things my family.

The day after tomorrow, I go back to using my desktop instead of a laptop.

I am overjoyed to be getting my amazing Mac back with all of my music and files on it. And then I will finally be able to upload all the pictures from my trip. BUT! my spoiled/lazy ass, is very unhappy with the fact that I won't be able to lounge on the computer just anywhere.

Hrmpf!

I know this is trival, but I am soooo stoked that Ingrid Michaelson saw my tweet about being worried she is dead since she has not updated in a few days (totally unlike her) and then she posted "I'm not dead, I'm on vacation"

hehehehehe.

<3 her updates, <3 her music, <3 that she responded to me.

basically...she rocks.

me: i just want to leave
friend: leave?
me: leave now
me: go anywhere
me: go where i want and travel, and meet people, and talk to people, and help people, and wander, and write
friend: so go
me: i wish it were that easy
friend: what is hard?
me: how would i go anywhere?
me: how would i get by?
me: would it really be worth it in the end?
me: ...did you ever look at or read dr. seuss books as a child?
friend: yeah i've read the books
me: okay. so you remember the pictures in the books
me: and how crazy and abstract it kind of was. the crazy creatures and the way the trees looked?
me: do you know what i am talking about?
friend: yeah
me: okay. i heard recently that there is a forest in california with trees like the ones in the books
me: i want to go there
me: like the whole forest has crazy dr. seuss trees
me: have you heard of it?
friend: nope
me: well i want to go where the dr. seuss trees are
friend: so go


I stumbled upon this conversation from a few years ago.

I never thought I'd actually leave Gainesville. And I certainly never thought I would end up in California. I'll have to track down those dr. seuss trees now for sure =D

I always had an itch to fly away. After living somewhere else for over a year, and then coming back to visit for a month, being reminded of this town and what is here, I am so glad I flew. This town doesn't offer me any growth, I don't thrive here anymore. Small towns have small oppurtunties, where everyone is alike and get caught up in Small Town Drama.

I am so glad I didn't give up and come home, even when things got hard. The answer is yes...it really was worth it in the end. Looking back on old entries and conversations, I wish I could calm the fears of that 16 year old girl, let her know that it will be a bumpy but beautiful ride, that she will grow strong, and that she is capable of facing her storms.

I am excited. I never felt excited about my future before, I was always always always worried about everything.

But I am excited to see the next chapters unfold.

I am excited that I want to start writing stories again.

I am excited that I am focusing on me.

also.

i am so glad to know who my friends are.

Katy - "That is just sad...like a puppy just died kind of sad."
(to me betting away most of my chips and losing.)

Lindsey - "My back hurts like a bitch. It feels like Deida just sat on it."
(when she stood up after the two hours of hunching over her cards. whats funny is, I am not sure if she was insinuating that deida is a bitch or is large...)

why are my sisters so flipping awesome??!

boys boys boys.

they cause so much trouble.

stayed up until like 5 because of sister talk.

love my sisters.

ALSO!

I am dying with this whole Lizz's phone being dead. I keep grabbing my phone to call or at least text her or something, but nooooo. No phone for her till Monday. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I MISS MY LIZZ.

Ha. So Nassim got four letters in the mail today. Either, the mail system is really effed up, because I have been sending them one per day, or he has totally not been checking his mail every day. Which sounds more likely, seeing as he doesn't ever seem to be home and have any down time. Argh! Oh well. He called yesterday, all giddy and excitable and hyper and we talked for like twenty minutes and it was pretty adorable. So yay!

But yeah, anyways!!

Today has been busy, Callie has a date with this cute sweet guy (more importantly isn't a jackass) tomorrow. So we had to pick out an outfit and straighten her hair and stuff.

Then tonight dinner with Kelsey. I forgot just how amazing of a friend she is. We had so much to catch up about, and had another one of our amazing talks that always seem to happen when we get together, no matter how long it's been. I am so glad to have someone like her in my life =) hopefully i'll be able to get her butt to Berkeley before too long!!

Gah. getting tired, and a busy day tomorrow of running even more errands! i wish things were more exciting and less intense at home...

oh well...

i should have tried hard to grab desser tonight to get my mind off things =(

having the fucking strangest dreams ever.

Two nights ago, I dreamt I had a baby named Shockwave, and that I was late to work the next day at...Publix!!!! because of it, and I started flipping out going, WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO COME INTO WORK, I JUST HAD A BABY YESTERDAY! And then there was something about a dude and a highchair...uuuuh yeah. Also that night I dreamt about the random dude that is living in my room back home, that he snuck a kid in the room and I found out so he started going out the window with the little girl walking down as if he were spiderman.

THEN! Last night, I had a weird dream that the amazing music artist Ingrid Michealson and I were good friends having an awesome talk and eating some yummy snacks in her living room or something, talking about life, the universe and everything, and then getting silly and giggly. This probably had to do with the fact that I recently started following her on twitter or something.

But still...



WHAT THE FUCK.

sooooo.

glad mom is back.

have been cooking and cleaning and chaufering for the past five days as if i were THE BEST HOME MAKER EVER!

anyways.

was supposed to finally do something remotely for myself today and grab Zaxby's with Joe, except he cancelled on me at the last minute because his girlfriend started flipping out or something. caused MAJOR SAD FACE, as I was very much looking forward to Zax, I mean seriously, that shit is addictive. But instead I put a frozen pizza in the oven and ate at home while having an awkward conversation with my parents about Nassim, since Boo saw a picture of him on the laptop earlier and couldn't keep a damn thing to himself...

Anyways!

This week will be full of prepping around the house for the big family gathering/reunion for my grandfather's 80th birthday on Saturday. And also hopefully some catching up with more FL friends.

anyways, off to tuck Boo into bed.

More later.

I swear I am going to gain 10 pounds this month.

I am eating regularly. Something I am totally not used to.

Long day of trying to get shit done and fretting over money issues. Took my sister Callie to some mandatory class she has to go to in order to help towards one of her two felonies or the misdemeanor or some shit like that.

While waiting for her class to be done I wandered around downtown with my sister Katy and chatted it up =)

Mom is gone for the next four days, so I am running this house bitches! Not really, but I am going to be cooking dinner the next few nights and making sure the girls get driven to all of the little play dates they have planned.

ANYWAYS. Just as I was starting to feel I might die of bordom, Joe texted me and saved me from the house, and I joined him at Sonny's and got some dessert, added to my feelings of barfing, but it was worth seeing him and having more catch up time. He is one of the only people left in Gainesville that hasn't gone completely off the wall.

Tonight? Fashion show in the living room with Katy. more arts and crafts and music jams, and working on my word of the day and daily crafty letter to Nassim. and yes. I am so fucking adorable and cheesy that I seal the envelope of each letter with a lipstick kiss. CUE the awwwwww.

By the by. I really miss Lizz. It was awesome waking up to a phone call from her this morning, but it reminded me of how much I adore her and miss her!!! I'll be back in Cali before too long...I promise!

My little brother Benjamin (aka Boo) had a prompt for class this semester that my mom thought I'd get a kick out of. I had to document such an amazing piece of work. Let's keep in mind that Boo is the youngest of seven children and the two oldest boys were out of the house by the time he was old enough to keep memories. So most of his home memories and current life only involve his four older sisters...

( Boo's Spectacular Essay )

I AM THE QUEEN.

so as I am sitting here watching some sappy ass movie on the hallmark channel that mom has fallen asleep to on the couch beside me, eating my cheez-its and drinking my whitegrape juice, I feel like I am home.

And I mean I feel like I am home in every sense. I enjoyed hanging out with my family all day, and being there for celebrating Callie's graduation and birthday, and chatting and laughing with everyone. I enjoyed having dinner and watching a funny movie and being silly dancing to the end credits with dad (I pulled out the shopping cart move, and dad one uped me with the "catching a big fish" move).

But I also had to bring up more than once with the parents or Callie or grandma about how "We are not going to have this discussion right now" because things were getting too tense, or the conversation was headed in a direction that I am not willing to have when they are on the defense and not open to having a true back and forth discussion. There is still so much to be worked out...

Also, there truly is not much to do in this town. I have been sitting here bored out of my mind since the family movie was over and the kiddos went about their night routines. I have literally been staring at my gmail chat all night hoping that Lizz would sign in so I could chat it up with her. I really have no idea what I am going to do with myself for the next month. I feel like I am here to tie up loose ends. To mend relationships and let my family know I do in fact love them, and be here for another snipit of my younger siblings lives...



Anyway. Bedtime.

I ended up going to bed at around 4am last night after chatting with mom for a few hours to get caught up on the current affairs of the family, tears were shed, as serious things about Ryan and Callie and parenting were brought up. Things are still just so hard and intense here...and all I could think last night was how I had only been home a few hours before it all started. Hopefully things won't be that intense the entire trip.


Today I got to see Katy and Benjamin, who were not awake when I came in last night, and I couldn't stop staring at them...they look so different. They are taller and bigger and older, they are growing up. Especially Boo, he was just so much bigger, it was an emotional moment for sure.

I mostly just ran lots of errands today, went to pick up Callie from the O'Connell center from her graduation rehearsal this morning, and then went to various places around town trying to get a job and looking into getting Callie's hair done for tomorrow, etc, etc.

It was soooooo humid out today, and I got pretty smelly by late afternoon.

Two moments stick out from driving around town all afternoon,

1) Driving back through my parents suberban neighborhood with the windows down and the song "This is Why I'm Hot" blaring from the car, and watching some old man getting stuff out of his car and thinking, this music is so out of place here.

2) Driving past my elemantary school, and all the memories from 5th grade came flooding back.

I finally ended up catching up with my old boss Fred from Publix, and chatted with him for a few minutes, and am going to be applying to work there for the month that I am home, so far it sounds the most promising, but that might be because like Joe mentioned "he always had the hots for you"...

Speaking of Joe. He texted while I was running around to see if I wanted to grab dinner, so after I got everything done I ended up meeting up with him at I <3 New York Pizza. Which is some of the best pizza in town =) To be honest, I was kind of surprised Joe asked if I wanted to grab dinner, but was glad he did and that we were able to hang out without worrying about any bullshit.

N still has not given me his mailing address. NOT PLEASED. Because I wanted to put something in the mail for him today, but obviously now that will have to wait until Monday, *major sad face*

Tomorrow: Callie graduates, a friend of the family is getting married, and daddy is gigging. Full day!!

Tired and heading to bed early folks.

so!!

first of all. FLORIDA IS HUMID. i got here and had to strip off the layers and put my hair up because it started to get a little frizzy. I forgot what this weather can do to my hair sometimes unless I take care of it accordingly.

Also, Melinda came to pick me up from the airport with this random girl Sam, who is classically a southern girl, which, I think I got my fill of hillbilly when I was at the George Bush International Airport in Houston, TX for my layover. I was stuck sitting next to this group of people who were delayed from their flight from there to Mobile, AL and were complaining about having to move 10 feet to this terminal, and then started cheering when they finally got on the flight, and how they hope they get lots of free food out of this...

...yeah...

so, i listened to Melinda talk with this girl about all of her drunken sexcipades with her drawl, and blah blah blah. and I realized how much I truly love where I live and the diversity of people and places. Instead of the one same alehouse where everyone knows everyone, blah blah blah.


ALSO! Both Callie and Lindsey are taller than me. I forgot about this fact, and it bothers me that my younger sisters are taller than me. Whatever, I could still kick their asses, and I still have bigger boobs than both of them. Ha. They were going on and on about how Katy has also gotten taller and will probably surpass me as well. Grrr.

So yeah. long traveling day. but now I am home at my parents house and got big hugs from the fam, who are excited to see me which was really sweet.

it makes me feel bad about waking up and feeling so anxious and while in my bed debating if i was really going to go through with it, and having the image of us putting the suitcase in the back of N's truck and it flying out on the interstate, and me not being able to go anymore, and how i totally wouldn't mind.

N was really sweet about the ride to the airport. He was like, this ride is to be spent with me, not in FL, you are not in FL yet, you are in the car in CA with me. and we chatted and he made me laugh, and then gave me a pep talk as we were driving up to the airport about how strong and I awesome I am, and that everything will be fine. It sounds really cheesy as I am writing it out right now, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time, so whatever!

The flights themselves were pretty relaxed, I was able to nap a little, and since I found my ipod, I was able to listen to some tunes and watch The Jizz Compilation of Lizz and I like at least fives times, and start going "awww" to myself, and starting getting all weepy about missing her.

OK. THATS MY DAY.

Getting up uber early tomorrow, and my clock will surely be off thanks to the three hour time change thing, so that will be FUN...not.

lots of running around and saying hi, and hopefully getting summer work, are in the cards tomorrow.

NIGHT NIGHT.